Facing Up

As with any problem you can't solve it without first having some form of information. No matter how small or how large a difficulty without taking stock of where you are it can be difficult to move forward. I personally feel that unless you can freely admit to yourself your situation you can't ever really fix a problem. But no one wants to let themselves in on the secrets we like to hide, no one wants to admit to imperfections that we often ignore.

It feels like the hardest part of making a big change in your life is after hearing all the bad and negative about yourself is having the willpower to continue with your goal. So yesterday I had to sit down and be honest with myself about a few things and really take stock of what I've been doing to myself. It's one thing to be aware of the fact I'm well over weight, it's another to hear it in pounds or inches. And the worst feeling is that this is all my own doing, no one forced me into this state apart from myself and now I have to be the one to drag myself out... do I have the energy or even the skills to achieve such a goal? 

You know what... being fat is easy. I can eat what I like, exercise as little as I want and not have to worry or questions my decisions. Or at least that's how it feels when faced with the challenge of changing things. I need to remind myself that being fat isn't just easy it's also incredibly depressing. Having the hardest time finding clothes that fit or even look nice, not being able to go swimming, feeling out of breath after climbing the stairs, not being able to fit into a seat on an airplane or simply having people look at you differently. What does your weight say about you? Mine says I've lost control and have given up on myself and I don't want to be that kind of person. I'd rather be strong than weak, I'd rather be my own person instead of living under a label of 'fat.'

Facing up to such truths isn't nice, but neither is being in this position in the first place. I need to find the strength to pull myself out of here but from where that can come... I'm open for suggestions

Wish List (Part the First)

Isn't this picture just divine? I'm going to be making lists of things I want to do before I die! Some things will be little and short term, others big and far away from now. But I think by at least recognising where my desire lies it will lead me towards it.

Wish List

• Cook a dinner for myself
• Shave my legs
• Buy and read a fashion magazine
• Watch Rambo/ The Godfather
• Visit Fota wildlife park
• Own a pair of designer high heels
• Publish a piece of my own work
• Read Clarissa
• Research for my PhD
• Learn a new language
• Join a gym and actually go!
• Go on a romantic picnic
• Make my office my own

More to come in future and hopefully some updates where I've completed some of these goals!

What am I worrying about?

1. What is the problem?
2. What can I do about it?
3. Which plan of action should I take?
4. When should I start doing it?

I've been listening to my first audio book, possibly because it is something I'd never have imagined myself buying... a self help book. It's Dale Carnegie's How to stop worrying and start living. So far I've been slightly impressed since I know little about personal development books. But you know what it can't do much harm can it? I constantly worry, not just about the big things but the little things too. What people think of me plays a huge roll in that and often what I think of myself. Right now I'm so sick of being afraid and a recent death in my family has been a huge wake up call for my isolated self. I don't see other people as a positive thing, to me they are a hindrance and I hate seeing the world in this light.

So listed above is a suggestion from Mr. Carnegie about how to deal with a worry you may have. For him one needs impartial knowledge about the problem before ever being capable of solving it. This is something that resonates with me deeply, how can you ever hope to move away from where you are in life without accepting and knowing where you are coming from. What's odd for me is when I try and answer the first question is my lack of an answer, I cannot pinpoint exactly what makes me worry, maybe it is too many things.

After my first failed attempt at exercise today I have been rewarded with a blister the size of my foot (not kidding) and for now perhaps it is a worry I can question myself about.

• What is the problem?

My feet hurt whenever I walk. It may be because I'm heavy but I can't loose weight if I can't go walking in the first place. It may be a real hindrance to me ever being able to shift some pounds.

• What can I do about it?

Right now I've tried a variety of options to fix my feet. I've spoken to my doctor, I've seen a chiropodist, I was fitted for and bought a very expensive pair of corrective shoes and I've tried simply working through the pain. It seems the only options left open to me are to try and see a foot specialist of sorts or to exercise without walking or jogging which I actually like to do.

• Which plan of action should I take?

To go and see a specialist would take both time and money, there can be large waiting lists to see such people and I would need a recommendation from my doctor. While to try a different form of exercise seems the simpler option I feel like I would be giving up and letting something win over me. I could do some step aerobics, use the wii fitness and dance programs, do yoga or maybe even get a punching bag. To me these don't feel like legitimate forms of exercise though, in my eyes you need to be able to push yourself when exercising and for me it has always hurt. I like the sound of getting a punching bag the most but I'm reluctant to spend any money until I'm sure that this isn't another 'phase' I'm going through. I want this to be for real and a life long change in how I see the world and act within it. But since my feet are completely banjaxed right about now I have no other choice if I want to stick at the exercise than to find an alternative.

• When should I start doing it?

Failure usually makes me give up... to me it is a cosmic sign from the universe that I am a failure and don't belong on this planet like everyone else does. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life this way, I can't live a life like this. So as soon as I can stand on my feet I'm going to try my other options and keep at what I'm doing.

Lets see how long I can keep positive for!

Perhaps I'm Mad

I've often felt that inside me is someone else, an unrealised potential. Every so often I feel inspired enough to try and attain or at the very least work towards something beyond myself. Usually this is some form of weight loss but this time I'd like to think more about why I'm over weight in the first place, why I'm miserable and why I seem to be my own worst enemy.

There are some things I cannot change and some things I can and whether I fail again or succeed writing things down can help.

• Who am I?
  
• Who do I want to be?
  
• How can I get there?
• Where am I at now?
  

Over the next few days I hope I'll be able to answer these questions and form a plan of action rather than a vague idea. More than anything else I wish to learn to be able to motivate myself, to let go of my fears and above all to know and be myself.